Self indulgent post. Highlight if you really want to read.
Why did it have to happen this way. Why does it have to end this way? I guess I asked for it, didn't I.
Lonliness. That is a feeling that I am starting to get accustomed to. Maybe this is what life will be for me from now on. Alone. Rejected and Alone.
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7 failures. It's getting really difficult to go through the heartbreak over and over again. Then again. Why should I feel this way? I did not do anyting in the firstplace, I simply hid in the distance. Maybe writting this all down will help soothe the pain and the nonsense which is my life. I guess that has been the pattern of my life since forever. Never been comfortable around other people. Feel more comfortable alone. Alone in my room doing my own thing. Alone in the library pouring over my math. Alone in the corner of church praying and asking God for company. Somehow I've always felt that when I'm around other people, I'm like a pest to them, rather thean a friend. They don't seem to want to listen. But that's ok. I guess that's just me. Perhaps its because of this introvertness, I seem arrogant and proud. Maybe I am. Actually, I probably am. I just don't want to admit it. There are no permanent friends, only permanent interests. To me that is really true. Felt so used by people. Goo d guys finish last huh? But I'm not a saint myself. Only a sinner. A wretched and broken sinner, not one deserving of anything. I QUIT. I really do. Don't know how to live anymore. Better to die and to be born again. Let go and let God take over. Been holding too many things in my hands and refuse to open them to receive the bountiful blessings that God has in store.
Got a habit. Not a bad one, but one that I should stop doing so often. I read a lot of books. And usually, after reading it, I would read it again. Never wanting to move on to a new book. Always stuck with the same old one for a long time. Always dwelling on the past and not the future. I've just finish reading a book. But I keep looking back at it, keep looking at the past. I need to put it back on the shelf, and let the one who is more deserving have it completely. I need to move on; move into the future. And in time to come, pick up another book to read. I guess there is only one book that is really worth reading. Only this book provides the love that I seek. A love that is real, noit a fake lip-service that gives excuses and cheats then stabs you in the back and leaves you wounded and broken hearted. This book has always been by my bedside. But I never seem to want to read it. Never seem to want to open it. I guess it's about time I started reading it again. And draw closer to the source of love that I have been cheating. A love that loves me, but is not reciprocated. That is the only way to find true love. To find the Frist Love, once again.
Lonliness. I know many youth in the PMCYM feel that way. I've been there. I am one of them. But I've found a Friend who will be by my side always. A Friend who loves me more than any girl can. A love that was demonstrated by death, not just by Words. I AM one of the lonely ones. But I know now, I am not that lonely after all. And some of the youth need to find this Friend.
