I sometimes wonder how Moses must have felt. Having led the Israelites out of Egypt, then seeing the Red Sea part, then having manna fall from heaven. And when they were at the edge of the promise land, Israel's disobedience made God turn them away. And Moses himself, he should have had the priviledge of entering the promised land, but because of his own disobedience, he would not live to see the day Israel conquered it.
I sometimes wonder how Joshua and Caleb must have felt, being the spies sent into the promised land; they knew God's plan and knew victory was theirs. But their 10 peers said otherwise, incited the whole nation to rebellion. As a result, spent 40 years in th desert. They watched their families die, they watched their fellow countrymen perish in the sand. 40 years. That was their wilderness experience.
I sometimes wonder how Jeremiah and Isaiah must have felt. They warned Israel of impending destruction but no one would listen. Two major prophets; both considered very important figures in the Bible. But, zero percent success rate. Isaiah was believed to be matyred. And Jeremiah saw the destruction of Israel and was sent into exile.
I sometimes wonder how Daniel must had felt. Being taken away from his homeland at a young age; just a teenager. He was trained in a foreign land, had his named changed to reflect the glory of false gods and at the end; died away from his home. 70 years spent in exile. That was Israel's exile experience.
I always wonder why I feel the way I do. But now I know, but it doesn't bring much comfort. I'm in my exile experience. That's how I'm starting the new year; in exile. While Israel was in exile for 7 decades, I will be in exile for 7 months; based on a promised I made to God. What's in it for me at the end of 7 months? Nothing. It's just a time I need on my own to discipline the heart.
Had my wilderness experience already. Felt lost for a while; exactly on this date last year. Somehow in between I thought things got better; but like the Israelites; I fell away. And bitter enemies surfaced again; ghosts of the past.
I take comfort in one thing, during the wilderness and during the exile, God wasn't taking time off. The nation of Israel became strong each time, and where they once were cowards, they became warriors after each experience.
So I feel blessed that God has given me this experience of pain. A time of forced rest; the tenth discipline that I never seem to know how to practice. Stopped frontline service in church till after the Chinese New Year. Taking a forced time away from ministry.
It's been restful so far; am untouchable during YM Com meetings... spared arrows in other words. But it also means that I am prevented from what I used to be doing. Which is a good thing. I need this rest.
But this forced rest is only till after the Chinese New Year. What do I do from then till the day I collect my degree scroll? I don't know. Just taking a day at a time. Getting back into the rhythm of life? Maybe. So like Daniel, my heart longs for home. But I guess I will never really get to see home till I move on with this life.
How long, O LORD? Will You forget me forever? How long will you hide Your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and everyday have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? Look on me and answer, O LORD my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death; my enemy will say, "I will overcome him," and my foes will rejoice when I fall. But I trust in Your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in Your salvation. I will sing to the LORD for He has been good to me.
I will sing
Lord, You seem so far way
A million miles or more it feels today
And though I haven't lost my faith
I must confess right now
That it's hard for me to pray
But I don't know what to say
And I don't know where to start
But as You give the grace
With all that's in my heart
I will sing, I will praise
Even in my darkest hour, through the sorrow and the pain
I will sing, I will praise
Lift my hands to honour you
Because Your Word is true, I will sing
Lord it's hard for me to see
All the thoughts and plans you have for me
But I will put my trust in You
Knowing that You died to set me free
But I don't know what to say
And I don't know where to start
But as You give the grace
With all that's in my heart
(C) Don Moen
