Reflections on AnnTiC 2005

Well, will follow a good portion of my counterparts in VCF and post something on the camp. This was my first AnnTiC, having missed the last 2 (year one was Bible conference) and will probably not attend another, unless the Lord leads again.

The last post on AnnTiC, I wrote why I chose to come for AnnTiC over LTC. So now, I will affirm that I needed to be at AnnTiC rather than at LTC, I don't think I would have been in a good state of mind if I had been at LTC.

I went to the camp not really wanting to take part; but wanting to spend time in solitude with God. I would take part in the main timetable, but during the breaks, I told myself to just wander off and pray. But I guess being one of the first-aiders meant that I had to be around to tend to all the wounds, and there were many to keep me busy, my small first aid pack was surely inadequate to the variety of injuries I had to treat.

Anyway, I went to the camp with a lot on my heart; I wanted to seek answers. But God said that He has no need to supply answers to me; He doesn't owe me answers, I owe Him my life. No answers came, just more questions. But God did give me the directions I had to take. I don't want to take them. But Daniel obeyed, even though it may have cost his life. And I will obey too; even though it is going to hurt, not just me, but I will obey.

The above portion was written at 6am this morning, couldn't finish writing all I wanted to on time, so I went to church, now I am back to continue this post. And guess what Pastor's sermon was about in church? Obedience. It was a slap in the face. And my heart ached so much when I heard it, because it only affirmed what I needed to do. I raised my hand at the end of the sermon; emotionally, it's really a lot to take.

But I guess some degree of brutality is needed in order to someone show your love. Mary had to endure shame, the loss of her Son when she obeyed. Jesus Himself suffered immense pain on the cross; all this to show love to the whole world. I guess what I have to do will really hurt, but I know I must. I don't know how long it will take me, a few days, a few weeks, or even a few months or years, I will let God decide.

I cried almost non-stop for 5 days while at camp. During worship, meals, theme talks, workshops, Bible studies, games even before I went to sleep at night. You name it, I was just crying the whole time. It was a really terrible feeling, tried so hard to control and not to show the emotions, but I failed; and the tears just came. Not really tears of sadness or sorrow, but tears because God was really dealing with me. I wandered off to secluded spots during the nights, and during the mornings, to spend time asking God for help to obey His command.

And at the end of it all, I guess they slowly turned to tears of joy and gladness. There is still pain in my heart, but now at least there is some measure of light in the darkness. On the outside I was crying, but deep inside I was laughing at the devil, if he tries to remind you of the past, just remind him about his future. I have a hope, he doesn't. I really have to thank Kelvin for prayng with me, that hour spent with him helped a lot, not just me, but him as well. That was certainly something I will always be grateful to God for. Thanks brother!

There were certainly bright moments in the camp. The last evening, after the personal reflection was fun. The travelling on the bus and the seafood dinner. (I didn't eat much of the seafood in case you are wondering.) But the best moment of all was when I played for Joel for worship. I had not enjoyed myself so much while playing the guitar ever for worship! And it was all simple Sunday school, 3 to 4 chord songs. But the power and impact and anointing was so strong, you could just see the tears in peoples eyes at the end of it. Amazing!

Coming back to civilisation is good. But I guess now that I am back, I have to do as the Lord has commanded, and that is going to be difficult, but I will get down on my knees and pray just like Daniel did, to pray for mercy, that this time for me in exile will lift. But now, I am only at the start of my exile experience, God has said that much worse is to come.

I did not return home immediately after putting all the equipment in NUS. But headed straight for church, to join (for 2 hours at least) what was left of the LTC. But what I really went there for was to talk to someone, I found Pastor and Amy. And I told them what I had to tell them. They've released me. I know not all in the YM committee is happy that I'm basically leaving my post empty especially in the midst of a shortage of manpower. But better for a small army to be led by a fresh leader than one who is burnt out.

I reached home at about 4.30pm and after a shower, and after doing all my online rituals, I went to sleep at 6pm. And woke up 12 hours later. (Notwithstanding the phone calls I received courtesy of Eunice and Ryan.) Didn't eat dinner, wasn't hungry at all. Speaking of which, I hardly ate at camp. I certainly ate more than the girls in my group at each meal, just ate a lot less than my usual portions. I knew I lost weight, but I did not expect that I would loose that much weight. I'm back to my pre-enlistment weight now. That is 14 kilos since June. 6 years of weight gain gone in 6 months. I told Pastor Aaron after his sermon that he can regain his pre-Doulos size as well! But yeah, lost so much weight, most of it in the last 2 months. Just no love for food anymore.

Reaching home wasn't fun. On the car ride home, my mom informed me that heavy rain the last 2 days had literally destroyed part of my room. I suspect the window was leaking. The area just beneath it had been completely drenched. All what lay under my window? My collection of CDs and DVDs. All the jewel cases and CD sleeves were destroyed. So were the boxes they were contained in. Quite painful as a lot of those DVDs are collector item's cartoons and stuff. I'm trying to dry out the stuff, hopefully some of them can still be salvaged. Depressing. My room looks like a war zone, all the boxes that contained everything was completely ruined and their contents are all over the place. Will be spending the first day of personal retreat going to Ikea and a lot of other places to buy stuff.

But I'm back from AnnTiC now; but then, I'm not really back yet. Then again, maybe I never really left. I don't have answers, only more questions. But I do have a direction I have to head towards. I don't know much about the destination, but the journey is going to be lonely and silent. Bought a nice purple paperchase book a few months ago. To hand-write a book that contained everything I knew about jazz, wanted to give it to you as a homecoming gift. But I guess I now will have another use for it.
Post dated: original posting date: 11 December 2005, 8.33pm Silence can speak louder than words. I had to endure that the past 6 days and I have to endure some more. So I will pour all my unsent replies into it. I don't know if i will ever get to give it to you now. But when I don't reply an SMS or email it's because I really love you. This is better for all of us.