where is the joy?

I realised that today is actually a very significant day. I'm quite ashamed I realised it only just before I stepped into the cinema to watch Chronicles of Narnia. It's my birthday! My spiritual birthday at least; it was on this day, 21 December, 8 years ago that I was born again. The full story can be found in a post on this date last year.

Anyway, I guess God decided to give me a present this year. But somehow, I find no happiness in receiving my results. I'm grateful that I even managed to score that well, but there is no satisfaction in doing well. It no longer has any meaning to me. Where is the joy of salvation that I received 8 years ago? It's there, somewhere, but right now, everything seems very distant to me. The things of this world have really just grown strangely dim; in the light of better things in the next world.

I can only recall one period of time in which I really desired good results. That was in secondary one. I was fighting hard to retain my position as the top guy in class, and I was just out to thrash everyone, I had topped my class in Science, Literature and Math for the midterm. I was quite determined to keep that record for the end term exam. I did, and improved my class position from 4th to 3rd, and in standard I got 37th. That was 11 years ago; no longer has any meaning for me anymore. I guess the thing that really crushed many of my desires for the things of this world was NS.

After NS, I was very disillusioned with what the world had to offer, so I told God before I entered NUS. My purpose in NUS was to serve Him; I didn't care about my results anymore. My main desire to want to get the honours class, was so that I could stay an extra year. Unfortuantely, I don't think I've been a very good steward of the time given to me. But that's another story.

And so, way back in 2002, I decided to sacrifice results so that I may use this time in NUS to serve Him, in any of the campus ministries, or back home in church. I did this because I knew that once I graduated, I won't have much time anymore, I've seen how my youth leaders have become sucked up in the pressures of life and struggle to cope with the sacred and the secular. I wanted none of that while in NUS. I guess I was really drastic.

Yet, what I decided to lay on the altar of sacrifice, God returned it to me. This year (calendar year) has been a very depressing one for me. Except for a short period of happiness; the rest of it has been filled with pain and sorrow. This is my exile experience. Yet, this year I have exceeded all my expectation in terms of academics. For 2 semesters in a row I've performed way beyond my expectations.

My results:
SAP: 4.33 - this is the highest I've ever scored in a semester. This is an improvement to last semester's 4.25. Yet I showed no emotion when I saw the results; no laughter, no happiness, no nothing at all.

CAP: 3.82 - this is highest I've managed to pull my CAP up since the first semester. It's good for a second lower. I won't be able to do much more to it, as I will be taking my final module S/U. And my Honours Project won't be able to make it fluctuate that much.

Scores:

Reason and Persuation: Satisfactory. Nothing unexpected here. I'm sure I could have managed a B+, just didn't want to tie myself down at the end of all things.

Science of Music: A-. I'm actually a little disappointed. But still, a good grade. Guess the class was super competetive this time round; and Prof Tan wasn't impressed by my 7/8 piece. But well, better than nothing.

Here come the suprises:

Graph Theory: B+. Was so sure I was screwed when I left the exam hall. I guess a lot of people left that way, hence the better than expected score. Won't be thinking of touching graph theory again. My result for topology is proof (pun intended) that my strength is with analysis based modules.

Topology: A-. This one was the shocker result. I totally did not expect a distinction. I was so depressed, and distressed before taking this paper that I had to message 7 good friends and ask them for prayer support. Such was my state of mind that Saturday morning. But I guess in a class of 10 people, relative grading no longer works, so my raw score would have contributed this grade. And with 45% CA, it makes scoring a lot easier. But one thing is for sure, help sheet or no help sheet, this grade is definately not proportional to the effort I put in. But then again, it's my honours project topic, so I did have an advantage. Oh well.. it's over now.

I'm no scholar material. I don't have the patience, strength, inspiration or motivation to stay back till 12midnight in the library to study. I don't have the ability to get onto the dean's list. My best score of 4.33 is probably someone else's worse score in some other faculty.

So I'm very grateful for God's providence. But yet, I wonder where the joy that I should be expriencing is? It's just somewhere I cannot find. I would gladly give up these grades for the things of my heart. Yet, I cannot.

I cannot bring my grades into heaven. I cannot bring intellect into heaven. I cannot bring my riches into heaven. I cannot bring any of my achievements into heaven. So why place so much emphasis on these things? I'm will be leaving this world someday; and the things of this world, I will just leave them behind.

Walk On
And Love is not an easy thing
The only baggage you can bring
Is all that you can't leave behind

And if the darkness is to keep us apart
And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off
And if your glass heart should crack
And for a second, you turn back
Oh no, be strong

Walk on, walk on
What you've got, they can't steal it
No they can't even feel it
Walk on, walk on
Stay safe tonight

You're packing a suitcase for a place
None of us has been
A place that has to believed
To be seen
You could have flown away
A singing bird in an open cage
Who would only fly for freedom

Walk on, walk on
What you've got, they can't deny
No they can't even try it
Walk on, walk on
Stay safe tonight

And I know it aches
And your heart it breaks
and you can only take so much
Walk on, Walk on

Home, hard to know what it is
If you're never had one
Home, I can't say where it it
But I know I'm going
Home, that's where my heart it
Walk on, Walk on

Leave it behind
You've got to leave it behind

All that you fashion
All that you make
All that you build
All that you can break
All that you measure
All that you steal
All this you can leave behind

All that you reason
All that you sense
All that you speak
All you dress up
All that you scheme
All that you fashion
You can leave it all behind

Hallelujah...

(C) Words by Bono