311205

verses read: Ecclesiastes 2:12-16
prayer: 5 minutes

Wisdom and folly are meaningless. What’s the point of having so much wisdom if at the end of the day those who are wise and those who are foolish will both meet the same fate? All will die! That’s the main thrust of the passage. And it is a highly philosophical one if you ask me.

New year’s eve. I remember this day exactly a year ago. Not sure if it was something I would like to remember. A year on and so many things have changed. This year has been a whirlwind year for me. So many things were done; yet so many things were left undone; a lot of loose ends. It will be a year that I will long look back and have painful memories of.

My back is still aching. Though a little less than yesterday, I still have problems with my mobility. The pain should clear in a few days, at most a week. Not going to the gym this week honestly makes me feel quite lethargic.

Have to be in church in an hour’s time. Got some long meeting. Going to leave my laptop at home for a change; going there to listen rather than to speak. Going to be a long day; and tomorrow is going to be another long one as well. But well; there has been no better way to start a year than to start it with the presence of fellow believers.

Next year is going to be an important year for me. Will be entering the workforce. That is major change in lifestyle for me. To be almost financially independent and all. Well, time will just go on. It is how we make us of the time that counts I guess. After all, at the end of the day, we meet the same fate as everyone else. It’s where we go after we die that will really make the difference.

One Voice general meeting

I am calling a general meeting on 30 December 2005 at 7.30pm in church. That is this coming Friday. I will confirm the exact venue later.

This meeting is COMPULSORY for anyone who wishes to join One Voice in 2006. In this meeting I will be spelling out the commitment levels, structure of the team etc.

Current members must also attend this meeting; or be considered to have left the team.

Anyone who wishes to join One Voice next year must attend this meeting.

However, if you wish to join but do have a valid reason for not attending, like work or some other thing, please inform me before hand. I will arrange a make up session for such cases.

The agenda for this meeting is as follows:

- Worship
- Devotion
- Presentation of team structure
- Commitment level
- Sharing
- Prayer
- Closing

As per the normal Saturday meetings, please do not be late, anyone who misses worship, will be treated as though you are not present. If you are coming late for some valid reason, please inform me beforehand as well. I am not unreasonable, and do accept valid reasons.

Those of you who have served with me before, you will know that I cannot tolerate late commers, so please DO NOT be late unless you have a very good reason.

Homework:
Please pray about the descision you've made to join this team. The commitment level is the highest among all the sub-ministries in the YM.

Another thing that will be new for this team is that I will be require parental approval before any of you will be allowed to join officially. This has been approved by the YM com; and is done at the feedback of parents.

If you have any questions, please call me. I will NOT entertain SMSes.

301205

verses read: Ecclesiastes 2:1-11
prayer: 5 minutes

Pleasures are meaningless! So what if we do not deny our eyes or flesh from our earthly desires? So what if we have magnificent riches? Like what the Teacher says, it is all chasing the wind! (HAHA! Now we know where the song from the musical was inspired from!) Indeed, in the last few weeks I’ve made some really expensive buys, spent lots on myself, but really, I found no meaning in doing so. New effects pedal, new handphone, new shoes, new computer accessories but no satisfaction at all. I honestly will find more satisfaction in using a pencil and paper to investigate the topological properties of the Cantor and Baire Spaces!

Hurt my back badly; feels like a relapse of my back injury again. Don’t know why this always happens when you loose weight. Same thing happened in JC2 when I lost a lot of weight very fast. Gym will be out for me the next few days. But will hit the gym again once I recover. This pain usually last a few days anyway. Will try and at less; or eat more of that homemade salsa; that thing is deadly, can clear your system very fast!

Anyway, I cannot walk at the moment, can only limp around. And sitting down is a real pain. At least there is no pain running down the side of my leg. If that happens, I will be in big trouble.

291205

verses read: Ecclesiastes 1:12-18
prayer: 15 minutes

Wisdom is meaningless. That is the theme of the above passage. What’s the point of chasing knowledge? What’s the point of having so much wisdom if at the end of it all, it is all meaningless. A lot of double meaning and consequences for me when I read this passage. If you translate it to Greek it will become clear. But well, life has to move on.

Spend practically the whole of yesterday sleeping. Due to the overnight marathon and early morning meeting; my body was quite exhausted. Anyway, managed to have a short chat with Ber yesterday night. Yup, they’ve reached safely. I’m glad. Will be praying for them for everyday that they are there.

School is starting really soon. Have to get work on my thesis re-started or A/P Leung will have my blood. Going to move on and find some meaning to all the wisdom that I’ve painfully acquired over the years. Will God grant me Wisdom again? I wish He would; but that’s just wishful thinking.
Today is 6 years to the day when I enlisted into the SAF. Even that doesn’t seem that long to me. Exactly 6 years ago, I was on Pulau Tekong eating lunch at the BMTC school 2 cookhouse. It was the beginning of an adventure that would last two and half years. Well, although I OOCed BMT, and was a clerk for much of NS life; and not to mention the 18 weeks of MC; NS did do some good tome I guess. To a large extent, I can really identify with the Teacher in Ecclesiastes. The overall theme of the book that everything is meaningless unless it is done with God in mind has been my mantra since NS. Nothing like the corporate world to take away pleasures of the flesh from you.

6 years. Passed so fast. And now, I’m at the brink of new life again. Will be submitting my application for NIE before school starts. Hopefully I can get through the interview, again! So strange; I wonder why I ask people, “what do they ask you during the interview?” when I’ve actually been through one myself! More than that, I’ve actually been granted a place before. The short story is that I changed courses midway through NS, from going to NIE straight to coming to NUS first then making plans later to apply again. Well, I was interviewed in March 2000, 6 years on, I still want to do this; will wait and see if the MOE will say the same.

Wisdom is meaningless? Maybe. If acquired with the wrong motivations I guess. Will God grant me Wisdom again? I wish He would; but that’s just wishful thinking. Praying for those on the other side of the world.

281205

verses read: Ecclesiastes 1:1-11
prayer: 15 minutes

Have decided to start reading Ecclesiastes; its actually quite an interesting book to read. This initial passage starts off with by declaring that everything is meaningless. It is probably the most well known verses from the whole book. But reading on, I realise that this writer knows quite a bit, and burden of time can really make everything seem meaningless.

Is there meaning to life when we are on this earth for all but a speck of time? Soon we’ll all die, and maybe we will be remembered for a short while, but eventually even that memory will fade. Even the great characters of history who have already passed on, all that’s left of their legacy is their name, not their achievements.

Will be graduating in 4 months time. Started on CORS yesterday; and also began my process of applying to NIE. 2006 is so close; yet it feels like 2005 has only just begun. My 4 years in NUS has just disappeared so fast. Unbelievable. Frightening. But that’s life.

Rest of this post is in my private journal.

261205

verses read: Galatians 6:1-10
prayer: 10 minutes

My mind is quite a blank, I really don’t know what to write. Am a little sick; probably due to all the eating over the weekend. Have got a lot of work to do, especially my thesis and a handbook that I am drawing up for One Voice. Laid a brick yesterday. Thought I was doing well, maybe not so well after all. The tsunami was a year ago. Seems like yesterday. Life goes on. Just like how it always has.

241205

verses read: Galatians 5:1-15
prayer: 10 minutes

It’s Christmas eve. I’m done with most of my Christmas cards as well. Will give the majority out tomorrow. Got a big dinner tonight, so I won’t be joining the rest for carolling. Don’t have to strength for this kind of thing anymore.

My room is finally back in order! Contractors came this morning to repair some broken roof tiles; my guess that was the biggest cause of the flooding in my room. Hopefully that would solve the problem once and for all.

Had another interesting dream last night. Dreamt I was back in the Red Cross at TK. And we were doing PT, and running around the whole school; like the NCC used to do. It’s quite sad, nowadays all the uniform groups don’t instil as much discipline as in the past. I wonder why I’ve been dreaming about my JC and secondary school days recently…

Here is yesterday's post... realised I didn't post it...

231205
verses read: Galatians 4:21-31, Proverbs 11:18
prayer: 10 minutes

The passage was easy to read. But the questions were difficult to answer! After thinking about it, this passage is really very deep.

Wrote a few more Christmas cards yesterday; to those who really meant something in my life this year. Will be going to watch the carollers again today. Am tired. Just want some rest from all this. I guess I will have my rest soon.

The wicked man earns deceptive wages, but he who sows righteousness reaps a sure reward. – Proverbs 11:18

Can't think of an appropriate title!

Disclaimer: All references to worship in this post refers to musical worship. As ministry head of One Voice, I think most of you know how much I dislike abusing the word worship to simply mean musical worship. So here is a discalimer.

Okay, I'm actually quite enraged as I am writing this. There were some comments on Clayton's blog which I cannot take lying down. So, Clayton, no offence to you, I hope you understand better after reading this. And for that matter, anyone else from PMCYM who is reading this.

Worship?? - youths think that worship is not "power" enuf?? As in you can "feel" the Spirit during main services at cornerstone??

In my honest opinion, that one statement alone is reason enough for me to shut down One Voice. In fact, I once told myself if there ever comes a day in which any one of our youth says to my face that worship and music are equivalent. I would shut down One Voice. Why? Because One Voice would have failed in serving it's purpose.

Honestly, I do not know what is being insinuated by the two questions marks after the word worship, since the opening of the post starts with "this problem is really becoming obvious to the youth of PMC".

So our worship (musical worship that is) has a problem? You want to know what I feel? OF COURSE IT HAS A PROBLEM!!!!! If you can find me a church that DOES NOT have such a problem; then you've found the "perfect church". The problem is not the music, it's not the sound system, it;s not band... it's the people! Who claim to be worshippers!

Youths think that worship is not power enuf? --- This, to me, seems to imply that there are youths who treat worship as some kind of commodity that the worship team provides. If that is the case, then I think the worship team should be fired, since we are so lousy at providing worship. (Note, I AM being sarcastic.)

And some can "feel" the Spirit at services at cornerstone. Right. If music is so essential to "feeling" the Holy Spirit's presence, then I think Jesus never felt the Holy Spirit's presense His whole life. But that is nonsense! Jesus and the Holy Spirit are both God. They are the same (in some loose sense.) Music in the church never became a prominent way to worship God until the last 200-300 years.

By the way, did you know what Satan's specific giftings are? Do you know what Satan's strength is? It's Music. He was the chief worship leader (you can say) in heaven before his fall. And he still uses this strength today to distract Christians from what God really wants us to do!

God did not tell us to lay back in church, warm the pews, jump up and down to Hillsongs and Planetshakers all our lives. He told us to make disciples of all nations!

And Satan knows that the more we jump up and down, sing songs, have "power" worship and continually "feel" the Spirit in church; he wins. He wins simply because we are not doing what God really wants us to do; and that is to out there and make others believe!

I'm not sure why Cornerstone was mentioned, but let me say this. I know the youth pastor's there personally. And trust me, they have the same problems as us; in fact worse! And the youth there make the very same complains over and over again. And I cannot think of any church who isn't like this.

This is the nature of a consumerist youth culture today. I agree with what Elaine and Jacko said 100%. The youth leaders would gladly let any of the younger youth take over. In fact, we strongly encourage it! This is PMCYM, not Amy's YM.

So my challenge to any of you is this, if you think you want to make a difference to PMCYM. Then make one! If you are really serious, speak to us directly. If not, I don't think you are serious; and like Jacko said, don't complain.

221205

verses read: Galatians 4:1-20, Proverbs 11:17
prayer: 5 minutes

I watched the Chronicles of Narnia yesterday; after the carolling. Was a good show! It follows the book very closely. And thankfully, it doesn’t try to become another LOTR; the storyline is straightforward. Those of you who have read the book, it’s simply the Gospel story. As a “bonus”, they screened the trailer for Da Vinci Code. The show looks good, the problem is that I think they got the wrong actors to play the key characters!

Going to have another rest day today. Need to clear my brother’s room of all the CDs, because he is finally coming home tonight! Other than that, going to continue with my Christmas cards, this is the first time I’m actually writing so many cards! It’s actually quite therapeutic; a good way to spend time during this personal retreat of mine! And if I have time, going to have to work on my thesis.

A kind man benefits himself, but a cruel man brings trouble on himself. – Proverbs 11:17

where is the joy?

I realised that today is actually a very significant day. I'm quite ashamed I realised it only just before I stepped into the cinema to watch Chronicles of Narnia. It's my birthday! My spiritual birthday at least; it was on this day, 21 December, 8 years ago that I was born again. The full story can be found in a post on this date last year.

Anyway, I guess God decided to give me a present this year. But somehow, I find no happiness in receiving my results. I'm grateful that I even managed to score that well, but there is no satisfaction in doing well. It no longer has any meaning to me. Where is the joy of salvation that I received 8 years ago? It's there, somewhere, but right now, everything seems very distant to me. The things of this world have really just grown strangely dim; in the light of better things in the next world.

I can only recall one period of time in which I really desired good results. That was in secondary one. I was fighting hard to retain my position as the top guy in class, and I was just out to thrash everyone, I had topped my class in Science, Literature and Math for the midterm. I was quite determined to keep that record for the end term exam. I did, and improved my class position from 4th to 3rd, and in standard I got 37th. That was 11 years ago; no longer has any meaning for me anymore. I guess the thing that really crushed many of my desires for the things of this world was NS.

After NS, I was very disillusioned with what the world had to offer, so I told God before I entered NUS. My purpose in NUS was to serve Him; I didn't care about my results anymore. My main desire to want to get the honours class, was so that I could stay an extra year. Unfortuantely, I don't think I've been a very good steward of the time given to me. But that's another story.

And so, way back in 2002, I decided to sacrifice results so that I may use this time in NUS to serve Him, in any of the campus ministries, or back home in church. I did this because I knew that once I graduated, I won't have much time anymore, I've seen how my youth leaders have become sucked up in the pressures of life and struggle to cope with the sacred and the secular. I wanted none of that while in NUS. I guess I was really drastic.

Yet, what I decided to lay on the altar of sacrifice, God returned it to me. This year (calendar year) has been a very depressing one for me. Except for a short period of happiness; the rest of it has been filled with pain and sorrow. This is my exile experience. Yet, this year I have exceeded all my expectation in terms of academics. For 2 semesters in a row I've performed way beyond my expectations.

My results:
SAP: 4.33 - this is the highest I've ever scored in a semester. This is an improvement to last semester's 4.25. Yet I showed no emotion when I saw the results; no laughter, no happiness, no nothing at all.

CAP: 3.82 - this is highest I've managed to pull my CAP up since the first semester. It's good for a second lower. I won't be able to do much more to it, as I will be taking my final module S/U. And my Honours Project won't be able to make it fluctuate that much.

Scores:

Reason and Persuation: Satisfactory. Nothing unexpected here. I'm sure I could have managed a B+, just didn't want to tie myself down at the end of all things.

Science of Music: A-. I'm actually a little disappointed. But still, a good grade. Guess the class was super competetive this time round; and Prof Tan wasn't impressed by my 7/8 piece. But well, better than nothing.

Here come the suprises:

Graph Theory: B+. Was so sure I was screwed when I left the exam hall. I guess a lot of people left that way, hence the better than expected score. Won't be thinking of touching graph theory again. My result for topology is proof (pun intended) that my strength is with analysis based modules.

Topology: A-. This one was the shocker result. I totally did not expect a distinction. I was so depressed, and distressed before taking this paper that I had to message 7 good friends and ask them for prayer support. Such was my state of mind that Saturday morning. But I guess in a class of 10 people, relative grading no longer works, so my raw score would have contributed this grade. And with 45% CA, it makes scoring a lot easier. But one thing is for sure, help sheet or no help sheet, this grade is definately not proportional to the effort I put in. But then again, it's my honours project topic, so I did have an advantage. Oh well.. it's over now.

I'm no scholar material. I don't have the patience, strength, inspiration or motivation to stay back till 12midnight in the library to study. I don't have the ability to get onto the dean's list. My best score of 4.33 is probably someone else's worse score in some other faculty.

So I'm very grateful for God's providence. But yet, I wonder where the joy that I should be expriencing is? It's just somewhere I cannot find. I would gladly give up these grades for the things of my heart. Yet, I cannot.

I cannot bring my grades into heaven. I cannot bring intellect into heaven. I cannot bring my riches into heaven. I cannot bring any of my achievements into heaven. So why place so much emphasis on these things? I'm will be leaving this world someday; and the things of this world, I will just leave them behind.

Walk On
And Love is not an easy thing
The only baggage you can bring
Is all that you can't leave behind

And if the darkness is to keep us apart
And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off
And if your glass heart should crack
And for a second, you turn back
Oh no, be strong

Walk on, walk on
What you've got, they can't steal it
No they can't even feel it
Walk on, walk on
Stay safe tonight

You're packing a suitcase for a place
None of us has been
A place that has to believed
To be seen
You could have flown away
A singing bird in an open cage
Who would only fly for freedom

Walk on, walk on
What you've got, they can't deny
No they can't even try it
Walk on, walk on
Stay safe tonight

And I know it aches
And your heart it breaks
and you can only take so much
Walk on, Walk on

Home, hard to know what it is
If you're never had one
Home, I can't say where it it
But I know I'm going
Home, that's where my heart it
Walk on, Walk on

Leave it behind
You've got to leave it behind

All that you fashion
All that you make
All that you build
All that you can break
All that you measure
All that you steal
All this you can leave behind

All that you reason
All that you sense
All that you speak
All you dress up
All that you scheme
All that you fashion
You can leave it all behind

Hallelujah...

(C) Words by Bono

211205

verses read: Galatians3:15-29, Proverbs 11:16
prayer: 15 minutes

Not until the law has humbled us even to hell will we turn to the Gospel to raise us to heaven – John Stott.

I think that is a pretty good summary of the passage I read. The law was given so that we can know the depth of our sin; because it is impossible for man to follow. And this knowledge of our sin should point us to Christ.

Yesterday was pretty okay. Went to school to get some work on my thesis done; didn’t get to do much anyway. Felt a little sick halfway, so I returned home early. But as a result, I missed the gym again. Will be going to the gym before heading to White Sands for the carolling performance. Just going to take some photographs. Later will go to Century Square; will try catch Chronicles of Narnia tonight; alone preferably.

A kindhearted woman gains respect, but ruthless men gain only wealth. – Proverbs 11:16

pass it on (part2)

only realised I was tagged this morning... by Joel... so here is the thingy:

Post 5 wierd / random things about yourself and pass it on:

1) er... I'm quite picky on which barbers I visit. For a good 10 years, I used to visit this one barber at Parkway and only let this one guy cut my hair. Now I just go the SSC barber, because it's cheap.

2) I really hate needles. Injections, blood tests scare the hell out of me. So going for my back operation 5 years ago was a huge leap of faith for me!

3) I've never fired a rifle. (rare for a Singaporean male)

4) When driving along the road. I always look at the number plates of other cars and try figure out if they are divisible by 3. (Just add up all the numbers, if they add to a number that is divisible by 3, the original number is also divisible by 3.)

5) My longest crush lasted 11 years. :$

hehehe...

Okay... the following can count themselved tagged:
- Uliang -> to return his tag from the last time
- Kelvin Tan -> since he never updates
- Ber -> he should update before leaving!

201205

verses read: Galatians 3:1-14, Proverbs 11:15
prayer: 15 minutes

Paul launches into a very harsh rhetoric in this passage. He calls the Galatians “fools” several times; he has quite a sarcastic tone in this passage actually. Anyway, he’s so angry as the Galatians had fallen prey to the teaching that works are necessary for salvation; sad to say, such teaching is still present in some cults. It is interesting that the problems that plagued the early church still plague the church today.

Didn’t go to the gym yesterday; my back was pain again. I guess the problem is due to the re-arrangement of my bed, and in some weird slopping position, so my back isn’t properly supported when I sleep. Honestly, I’m praying for rain; so that my room (which is pretty empty now) can be flooded again, then we can pin-point the exact location of the leak and start working on that. If not, my room will be in this weird position till it rains. Irritating.

Watched the “look who’s cooking” VCD last night; after watching it, you can tell which of the pastors can cook! (Hint: the bigger sized ones!) Bishop’s lasagne looked the best among the lot! I think I will try that recipe one day! But first, I have to try Yoke Lin’s cheese cake. I’ve been cooking savoury stuff for so long; need to try something sweet for a change. (Yes, I can cook; you can ask the YM com if you don’t believe me.)

I’m finally done with all my YM commitments for the year. Like Amy told me last night; time for me to rest and leave the rest to them. Yup, will be taking a break from YM stuff for a while. How long a while, I will leave that to God to decide. The days are getting a little long drawn, prayer times have started getting shorter because I don’t know what else to pray for. Laid yet another one yesterday; it’s getting tougher as the days go by. The past week has been very down for me, the silence is just so painful. But obedience demands this period of silence. My results are due in about 24 hours; will break silence for a while a day later.

He who puts up security for another will surely suffer, but whoever refuses to strike hands in pledge is safe. – Proverbs 11:15

191205

verses read: Galatians 2:11-21, Proverbs 11:14
prayer: 15 minutes

This passage is about how Paul confronted Peter (and Barnabas) over an issue that was starting to divide the church. There is a lesson to learn from here, about conflict resolution. The Gospel is so paramount that anything that altars the Gospel has to be dealt with swiftly and openly.

Had a noteworthy dream last night. A little disturbing; but I think I kind of know part of what it might mean. Dreamt that I went back to TPJC as a student; joined in their orientation and played all the stupid games that I played before. But this time, the principal was different; it was not my aunt, but the current principal of TPJC, in other words, it wasn’t a flashback of my past. Did some things that were against the college rules; and met someone. Who that person is, I don’t know. But it sure was very weird.

Perhaps it is about high time I finally made my application to MOE. Wanted to seek more advise before doing so; as my friends who are at NIE advised me to try make the January intake rather than the June one. (In other words, I will have 6 months of free time before resuming school again. Which seemed like an attractive option and I have been praying about it since.) Perhaps, this is an answer from the Lord, but whether it is to delay my application or to just go ahead, I’m still not clear. It’s quite scary; I’m on the brink of a new year, the year in which I enter the workforce. That is a really scary thought.

Another part that I cannot comprehend is that person I met. I do not know who that person is, even though the situation seemed familiar. Perhaps, that is another answered prayer. But not an answer I was seeking. It’s been a lot easier the past week, since I decided to obey what God wanted me to do. Not been easy; but the separation will only do good to all parties. My results are due in 2 days, not worried about it at all. My CAP cannot really fluctuate that wildly, even if I get all Cs or all As, I will still be in the 2nd lower region.

Not sure if they are back from the north yet, but still praying for safety as they make their way back down. There is carolling practice tonight, and I have to take this one. There has been a serious lack of discipline so far. It’s 2 days to our first performance, cannot afford to slack anymore.

For lack of guidance a nation falls, but many advisers make victory sure. - Proverbs 11:14

181205

verses read: Galatians 2:1-10, Proverbs 11:13
prayer: 5 minutes

I’m up very late today. Overslept; completely exhausted by the exertions of yesterday morning, afternoon and then at night. Very tired. I’m late for service, but will still be going for YM later.

Anyway, this portion of Galatians speaks of Paul returning to Jerusalem to seek counsel with the leaders of the church. Some had accused him of preaching falsely and he had gone to verify what he had been preaching with the leaders. But they vindicated him, and even extended their right hand of fellowship with him. That probably means that they recognised his authority as a fellow apostle. One important thing that this passage does speak about is how Paul was called to preach to the Gentiles, and how Peter, James, John were called to preached to the Jews. In terms of customs, both were different audiences, but the Gospel was consistent to both.

A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy man keeps a secret. – Proverbs 11:13

when lightning strikes twice...

Got home from TOFU about an hour ago. TOFU was fine. Wanted to blog about it. But I guess I will leave it for the TOFU blog. Instead when I got home, I discovered that my room was ravaged by rainwater again! I'm pretty upset now.

Once again, all my CDs were drenched, this time none of them were spared. Saving grace is that I removed a large number of my CDs from their jewel cases and placed them into a CD carrier case. So this time, the damage is limited to mostly my jewel cases. Still, that is the part that hurts, now, a lot of my expensive imported jazz CDs have become soaked. And their liner notes all destroyed. Now those are not cheap.

Furthermore, all the boxes that I bought from Ikea on Monday were also destroyed, that's $40 down the drain (literally). I guess parts of the boxes like the lid and all can be salvaged, but still would have to make another trip there to buy more boxes. I guess when I go to school on Monday to work on my thesis I will pop by Ikea again.

Besides that, there was a huge puddle of water under my bed. My mom spent the last hour mopping it up. My sofa was half soaked; nothing I can do about that except let it dry out. Now the furniture in my room has been rearranged to let parts of the floor dry out. Parquet flooring absorbs water, and when you wipe it dry, the water beneath the tiles just seep back out again. Very upsetting.

There is a weird smell in my room as well. It's the smell of wet paper and wet wood. Would probably take a few hours to clear.

What a way to spend the week. After coming home from AnnTiC, life for me has been quite lousy. After spending a week drying out CDs and DVDs, they get drenched again; and worse than the last time. My back is starting to hurt a little after the hard exertions from TOFU. But I guess that's life; sometimes it goes well, and suddenly it can just become chaotic.

I don't really feel like talking to anyone right now. So if I don't reply your SMSes, emails, MSM messages, please forgive me. I'm rather pissed; and I'm ranting to try feel better.

This coming week is packed. Christmas week. Never celebrated a happy Christmas for 10 years, it always brings back quite painful and lonely memories. I thought this Christmas would be different, but I guess it would be no different. Won't be playing for carolling this year. Which is quite a relief actually, want to spend time with my extended family this year.

Will be at White Sands and Century Square to lend support to the carolers though. That at last I can do. But I won't play, let others have the limelight; they deserve it.

Chronicles of Narnia are coming out this week as well. Good book to read, the storyline is simple and nothing new to us; its simply the Gospel storyline told using different analogies. Brilliant! Will catch it on Wednesday after the carolling perhaps; will watch it alone as usual. This time, I think I really want to be alone.

161205

verses read: Galatians 1:11-24, Proverbs 11:11
prayer: 30 minutes

This passage is about Paul’s personal testimony. Of how his own transformed life could have been a result of only God’s power; and how God has revealed the Gospel to him by divine revelation rather than through the work of the Apostles of anyone else. One thing that I found interesting was the timeframe between his conversion to when he met Peter and James in Jerusalem. It was 3 years! That is not apparent in my previous reading of Acts.

Stopped trying to think about the past, just looking forward to the future. Had another dream last night, this time it was about the YM. Not too sure what I saw, but it looked like it was about TOFU. Well, that’s what today and tomorrow is about isn’t it! Today is going to the long-awaited set-up. Going to be quite fun. And tomorrow is TOFU itself; looking forward to it.

Not sure if they are back from the north, but will continue to pray for safety anyway. After next weekend, going to lie low for a while. Let others take the place that I vacate. That is better.

Through the blessing of the upright a city is exalted, but by the mouth of the wicked it is destroyed.- Proverbs 11:11

151205

verses read: Galatians 1:1-10
prayer: 1 hour

Began to read the book of Galatians. On top of that, I am also using a book study by John Stott to help me understand what I am reading better. This first 10 verses tell a lot about why this letter was written! A different Gospel, undermining the doctrine of grace was being preached. Paul had some very harsh words for the Galatian church regarding this! But the problem is still around today! When this doctrine is either taken too liberally or not being preached at all; that still happens today!

I realise, God’s favour is still with me. The past 2 weeks have been filled with miracles of divine appointment in my life. Two weeks ago a brother happen to just visit our church; just when I really needed to talk to someone. Two days ago, had a chat with someone whom I’ve not chatted with in a while. The 2 of us are in the same boat. But we are both reacting differently. But most amazing was yesterday.

I didn’t want to go and eat dinner at the S11 kopitiam yesterday; just wanted to have fruits when I reached home that night. But I went to over for dinner anyway. Met a couple whom I’ve not seen in 2 months. It was fantastic meeting them, they too have been trying to meet with me; and they had not intended to be in Pasir Ris yesterday, they just felt like going over for dinner!

I wonder why God has sent them to me again, just when I’m starting to get better? Perhaps there is yet another message He is trying to tell me. One which I may not want to hear; but then, I’m quite use to doing things I don’t want to do. So I will obey once again; no matter what. But yet, God’s favour has been with me the last few weeks, yet it is me who disappoints. Laid yet another two yesterday, seems to be becoming a familiar pattern. This time of forced rest is definitely good, the guitar team is doing fine, they just don’t know how much potential they actually have. So does One Voice, I won’t be around much to run it, have effectively handed the operations of One Voice to the team leaders.

Withdrawing myself from ministry is important; even though it is only temporary. Rest, that is what I really need now. Spiritual rest. I cannot wait till next Tuesday, when I meet up with them again. I’m glad things are going well up north. Will be praying for journey mercies as they head back south.

141205

verses read: Daniel 12
prayer: 10 minutes

This last chapter in Daniel is about the final part of his vision. It echoes what is written in Revelations very closely. About a big huge war, like a final battle that will take place at the end of time. Very interesting read. Also, after the cult workshop at AnnTiC last week, it not hard to understand why some “Christian Cults” think Jesus is the incarnation of the Archangel Michael. (Won’t mention which one, but they are banned in Singapore due to their refusal to serve NS.)

This post is a little late; spent practically the whole morning in prayer. Coming online to write this post is really one of the first few things that I am doing today. (I know, it’s 12nn already!) The 10th discipline is rest. A discipline that I never really practiced; until now. Now I’m forced to rest. TOFU will be my swansong to the YM for this year. After that, will start the New Year a little slow and laidback, away from frontline ministry.

The last 2 days have been pretty good. Thought they always seem to start the same way, by laying two bricks. The silence has helped. Starting to forget the past a little, looking forward to the future a bit more. God still told me not to give up as I prayed this morning; that kind of frightens me. But I will obey. I don’t know what the future hold, but I God is guiding me.

Reflections on AnnTiC 2005

Well, will follow a good portion of my counterparts in VCF and post something on the camp. This was my first AnnTiC, having missed the last 2 (year one was Bible conference) and will probably not attend another, unless the Lord leads again.

The last post on AnnTiC, I wrote why I chose to come for AnnTiC over LTC. So now, I will affirm that I needed to be at AnnTiC rather than at LTC, I don't think I would have been in a good state of mind if I had been at LTC.

I went to the camp not really wanting to take part; but wanting to spend time in solitude with God. I would take part in the main timetable, but during the breaks, I told myself to just wander off and pray. But I guess being one of the first-aiders meant that I had to be around to tend to all the wounds, and there were many to keep me busy, my small first aid pack was surely inadequate to the variety of injuries I had to treat.

Anyway, I went to the camp with a lot on my heart; I wanted to seek answers. But God said that He has no need to supply answers to me; He doesn't owe me answers, I owe Him my life. No answers came, just more questions. But God did give me the directions I had to take. I don't want to take them. But Daniel obeyed, even though it may have cost his life. And I will obey too; even though it is going to hurt, not just me, but I will obey.

The above portion was written at 6am this morning, couldn't finish writing all I wanted to on time, so I went to church, now I am back to continue this post. And guess what Pastor's sermon was about in church? Obedience. It was a slap in the face. And my heart ached so much when I heard it, because it only affirmed what I needed to do. I raised my hand at the end of the sermon; emotionally, it's really a lot to take.

But I guess some degree of brutality is needed in order to someone show your love. Mary had to endure shame, the loss of her Son when she obeyed. Jesus Himself suffered immense pain on the cross; all this to show love to the whole world. I guess what I have to do will really hurt, but I know I must. I don't know how long it will take me, a few days, a few weeks, or even a few months or years, I will let God decide.

I cried almost non-stop for 5 days while at camp. During worship, meals, theme talks, workshops, Bible studies, games even before I went to sleep at night. You name it, I was just crying the whole time. It was a really terrible feeling, tried so hard to control and not to show the emotions, but I failed; and the tears just came. Not really tears of sadness or sorrow, but tears because God was really dealing with me. I wandered off to secluded spots during the nights, and during the mornings, to spend time asking God for help to obey His command.

And at the end of it all, I guess they slowly turned to tears of joy and gladness. There is still pain in my heart, but now at least there is some measure of light in the darkness. On the outside I was crying, but deep inside I was laughing at the devil, if he tries to remind you of the past, just remind him about his future. I have a hope, he doesn't. I really have to thank Kelvin for prayng with me, that hour spent with him helped a lot, not just me, but him as well. That was certainly something I will always be grateful to God for. Thanks brother!

There were certainly bright moments in the camp. The last evening, after the personal reflection was fun. The travelling on the bus and the seafood dinner. (I didn't eat much of the seafood in case you are wondering.) But the best moment of all was when I played for Joel for worship. I had not enjoyed myself so much while playing the guitar ever for worship! And it was all simple Sunday school, 3 to 4 chord songs. But the power and impact and anointing was so strong, you could just see the tears in peoples eyes at the end of it. Amazing!

Coming back to civilisation is good. But I guess now that I am back, I have to do as the Lord has commanded, and that is going to be difficult, but I will get down on my knees and pray just like Daniel did, to pray for mercy, that this time for me in exile will lift. But now, I am only at the start of my exile experience, God has said that much worse is to come.

I did not return home immediately after putting all the equipment in NUS. But headed straight for church, to join (for 2 hours at least) what was left of the LTC. But what I really went there for was to talk to someone, I found Pastor and Amy. And I told them what I had to tell them. They've released me. I know not all in the YM committee is happy that I'm basically leaving my post empty especially in the midst of a shortage of manpower. But better for a small army to be led by a fresh leader than one who is burnt out.

I reached home at about 4.30pm and after a shower, and after doing all my online rituals, I went to sleep at 6pm. And woke up 12 hours later. (Notwithstanding the phone calls I received courtesy of Eunice and Ryan.) Didn't eat dinner, wasn't hungry at all. Speaking of which, I hardly ate at camp. I certainly ate more than the girls in my group at each meal, just ate a lot less than my usual portions. I knew I lost weight, but I did not expect that I would loose that much weight. I'm back to my pre-enlistment weight now. That is 14 kilos since June. 6 years of weight gain gone in 6 months. I told Pastor Aaron after his sermon that he can regain his pre-Doulos size as well! But yeah, lost so much weight, most of it in the last 2 months. Just no love for food anymore.

Reaching home wasn't fun. On the car ride home, my mom informed me that heavy rain the last 2 days had literally destroyed part of my room. I suspect the window was leaking. The area just beneath it had been completely drenched. All what lay under my window? My collection of CDs and DVDs. All the jewel cases and CD sleeves were destroyed. So were the boxes they were contained in. Quite painful as a lot of those DVDs are collector item's cartoons and stuff. I'm trying to dry out the stuff, hopefully some of them can still be salvaged. Depressing. My room looks like a war zone, all the boxes that contained everything was completely ruined and their contents are all over the place. Will be spending the first day of personal retreat going to Ikea and a lot of other places to buy stuff.

But I'm back from AnnTiC now; but then, I'm not really back yet. Then again, maybe I never really left. I don't have answers, only more questions. But I do have a direction I have to head towards. I don't know much about the destination, but the journey is going to be lonely and silent. Bought a nice purple paperchase book a few months ago. To hand-write a book that contained everything I knew about jazz, wanted to give it to you as a homecoming gift. But I guess I now will have another use for it.
Post dated: original posting date: 11 December 2005, 8.33pm Silence can speak louder than words. I had to endure that the past 6 days and I have to endure some more. So I will pour all my unsent replies into it. I don't know if i will ever get to give it to you now. But when I don't reply an SMS or email it's because I really love you. This is better for all of us.

131205

verses read: Daniel 11:36-45
prayer: 10 minutes

Pretty scary stuff indeed! The above passage is all about the antichrist, on how he will reign in this earth and the things that he will do. Very brutal and vile things if you ask me. I really hope I not be around when that happens; either ruptured or gone home, it’s fine. Tomorrow will be on the final battle.

Yesterday was my first day in personal retreat, not going somewhere fancy to stay or whatever, just withdrawing myself from things. To rest, recharge and find God’s will for the next part of my life. The day didn’t exactly begin well, laid 2 bricks before heading to gym. And returning to the gym after more than a week’s absence equals aching muscles! Anyway, the rest of my day is recorded in my previous post. Woke up this morning to check on how dry my CD sleeves are; they are dry alright, but the pages are all stuck together, and some are even stuck to the jewel case itself. Not funny. Painful, painful…

God told me that I had to be even more brutal in what I needed to do. Even the purple book idea has to go. I cannot hold onto any human hope, but instead God will have to take over. God has more than one servant in this matter; He will use others to speak. I’ve already spoken and done what He wants me to do, now its time for me to remain silent. Yet He is gracious and has allowed me to make a call when the results are released. He game me a date, 21 Dec; went home and checked, indeed, that’s the day my results are being released. Will do it the next day. I have to maintain silence, but I can always pray. Praying for safety up north. Safety, enjoyment and fellowship.

ARGH!!!!!!!!!

Today was quie a good day! (contrary to the title... which will be explained in a while...) Actually, maybe the title of this post should have been "the great CD dry out" or something!

Went to Ikea, bought new boxes to replace thsoe that I lost on the storm, stopped at the Guardian Pharmacy there to replenish my first aid kit. I am quite amazed that I had so much business during camp! Not a good thing actually. Then to SKS to buy a Bible cover and some QT material. Then to Plaza Singapura, and walked to Sinamex to get strings. Returned to PS to buy a CD case (those that can hold 216 CDs). Then I came home to start repairs to my room...

My CDs jewel cases were all drenched, had to remove the CDs one by one and wipe them down. Put them into my newly bought CD case. I couldn't do anything about the liner notes; couldn't even take them out of the case, they were just to fragile, had to leave them in the cases. After wiping down the CDs, I proceeded to dry out the jewel cases. This is what I did:



Sorry Marvin, had to use your room as an ER. That place now looks like a triage area. Anyway, some strange observation. All the CDs that were drenched were my Christian CDs. All my non-Christian ones were unaffected. Maybe God trying to tell me something...

121205

verses read: Daniel 11:1-35
prayer: 5 minutes

One thing about the above passage that struck me was the great detail in which Daniel described history. But the book on Daniel was written before those events took place. Reading the study Bible and those passages at the same time helped greatly as you could see the events that took place clearer. But then, all this suddenly stops, and in the passage for tomorrow, the prophecy becomes on of the future instead. A future that has yet to pass. That’s pretty scary stuff!

Well, today, going to start my so called personal retreat, just going to spend the day in solitude of spirit. Intend to go the gym, then to Ikea to pick up stuff for my completely destroyed room! Intend to get some Christmas cards as well. In previous years, I just gave 5 cards to people who mattered the most. This year, I will give out Christmas cards, to as many people as I can. After Ikea, will head to SKS or Tecman to get a Bible cover. The box I use to carry my Bible around is more or less unusable already; it’s served me well for 2 years though! And after that, a trip to Sinamex to get strings! One week of intensive guitar use last week cost me quite dearly in terms of strings! 2 sets broke! Will need to file the nut or bridge a little as well; have a feeling some sharp edge has been causing the breakages. Hopefully at peace centre will be able to find a stationery shop to buy a file as well. A refillable A5 file, for my journal. All these entries on my blog, are actually compiled as a word document, for Pastor Aaron’s accountability sessions. And I guess, to keep stock of my life as well.

Interesting observation. The past week, the number of visitors to my blog dipped significantly, but yesterday, it jumped really high! So, I wonder if more VCFers read this blog than PMC youth…
Here is yesterday's missing post. After doing the reading, I headed for church. Only realised I didn't post it up until now. Didn't do a reflection on it anyway. Was hit too hard by pastor's sermon.

111205
verses read: Daniel 10:10-21
prayer: 30 minutes

journal entries

Here are the entries that were missing during the days I was away. In some sense, they are still missing... I guess having journalled them into a hardcopy journal allowed for some things that should not go on this blog. So they won't.

061205
verses read: Daniel 8:1-14
prayer 15 minutes

Daniel receives another vision, about a goat and a ram. The vision is really weird. Tomorrow, I will read the interpretation. Quite apt, because today’s theme talk will be on the things God has revealed.

Coming here is really a challenge, my back is starting to hurt. All I can do is pray that the pain will slowly subside. I don’t know what to pray actually. But I will just pray for the things that should be done, and the things that should not be done, I pray for the strength to be able to resist them.

I’m tired, just want to go home, but there is still a lot more to come. I’ll stay; ask God to give me opportunities and wisdom to speak.

071205
verses read: Daniel 8:15-27
prayer: 10 minutes

Daniel receives an interpretation to his vision. One told to him by the archangel Gabriel. Its about the end times, about 1 kingdom rising and falling and finally about the antichrist and how he shall reign for a long time. What is interesting is that Daniel falls sick and was ill for many days after receiving this vision. It was as though he was overwhelmed by God. Sounds familiar actually.

Yesterday felt really awkward. But what can I do? I’m still not brutal enough in my resolution to do what I need to do. Today will have to do the same, until Friday I guess. It’s going to feel weird. My mind is not in this camp. Neither is my heart. But I guess the reason I’m here is to get all this right with God. Wish I could go home. But I guess I will just stay and move on. Long are the days ahead, will just bury myself in math during the free times I guess.

081205 / 091205 / 101205
verses read: Daniel 9:1 - 10:9
prayer: 5 hour (spread over 3 days)

Daniel prays for his nation. He knows the time for the remnant to return to Jerusalem is coming soon. He prays for forgiveness and for the Lord to act and not delay the return of the exiles.

The rest of these 3 entries occupy about 15 pages in my private journal; some written in the middle of the night. Not appropriate for the blog. So I won’t be posting them.

051205

verses read: Daniel 7:15-28
prayer: 15 minutes

Daniel asks for an interpretation of the vision, and he gets one! The four beasts represent four kingdoms that will rule the earth and that finally the Kingdom of God will reign over all. There are details like what the fourth beasts is about and all. It's actually quite scary stuff! We live in the fourth kingdom, that would be reasonable. What is this kingdom? I really don't know, but I don't think its a national power, but rather it's something else. Perverseness maybe. The whole world seems to have some warped kind of thinking, guys and behave like girls and vice versa. But this book says that all this will be overthrown when the Lord comes down finally!

Today is AnnTiC. Won't be able to update my blog for a few days. But not too worry, will be doing my QT when I am up north. Will update all in one shot when I return.

041205

verses read: Daniel 7:8-14, Proverbs 11:10
prayer: 10 minutes

Daniel's dream continues; he sees a new horn coming out of the beast and it uproots 3 other horns. This new horn begins to speak boastfully. Then He sees God, and a multitude serving Him. Then he sees the beast being slain, and finally he sees the Son of Man being glorifies before the presence of God. (I think...)

Anyway, tomorrow is AnnTiC, going to be a long week. I am looking forward to it, to just get away from all the emails for a while. Feel strangely troubled, I really hope God can ease this trouble in my heart the next few days.

When the righteous prosper, the city rejoices; when the wicked perish, there are shouts of joy. - Proverbs 11:10

031205

verses read: Daniel 7:1-7, Proverbs 11:9
prayer: 5 minutes

It's a little tricky for this part of the book; as the book now moves into the apocalyptic. A lot harder to write down what was written, so the trick is to read it slowly. But anyway, this passage is about a vision Daniel has. He sees four beasts; a lion, a bear, a leopard and some other terrifying beast that has 10 horns.

I realise that God is really unchanging, what He has in mind a few months ago is still what He has in mind. It's us who are unfaithful and to some extent unwilling or even afraid to accept what He wants for us. Even though, sometimes, what He wants for us is what we want, is what we desire. I feel that way. Laid another one yesterday, feel quite hopeless in this fight, so I think I will change strategy and try to overcome with God's strength rather than doing all this.

I realise that God's favour is with me. He has granted me the favour in a lot of prayers that I made some months back. But at the same time, He granted His favour too late. Maybe it's too late in my eyes, but in His eyes they are of the perfect timing. Well, that can only mean He has a higher plan. But this makes me feel really depressed.

With his mouth the godless destroys his neighbour, but through knowledge the righteous escape. - Proverbs 11:9

021205

verses read: Daniel 5:18 - 6:28, Proverbs 11:8
prayer: 5 minutes

Daniel goes on to interpret the writing on the wall. 3 different words appear, each is a measurement of weight. And the interpretation is that (overall) the Babylonian empire would fall. And it does, that very night. And the new Medo-Persian empire comes to power with King Darius at the throne. Chapter 6 is about the lion's den, which most of us would be familiar with. Anyway, completed the readings for AnnTiC.

The camp starts in just a few days; am looking forward to it! Just not looking forward to number of emails I've been receiving! But hopefully everything will be settled (on my side) after today!

The strength and willpower of man is weak. And giving into temptation is often the easy way out. My prayer times have been getting shorter the last few days, simply because I don't know what to pray about; well, laid another two yesterday. Giving in is just so easy. I guess in some sense that is why I'm looking forward to next week, have one whole week away to think and reflect about everything.

The righteous man is rescued from trouble, and it comes on the wicked instead. - Proverbs 11:8

I wonder which part of that proverb I actually belong to.

Another picture update...

There really isn't much to update since the external structure of the church is more or less there. The following was taken yesterday, using my proper digital camera, hence the difference in quality.

Scaffolding has been going around the existing building. This is in preparation for the next phase of the project, renovations to the old building.



Here is the new balcony of the sanctuary.



This side of the church has been repainted to match the new building's colour scheme. Honestly, I don't think white is a good idea, it's just going to stain after a few months. But well, that's just a practical reason.



I like this shot. The old cross is now fitted at the back of the church above the stairwell. Answers my question on what they were going to do with the old cross, letting it lie there on the grass in front of church was kind of undignified!

011205

verses read: Daniel 5:1-17, Proverbs 11:7
prayer: 15 minutes

From the end of chapter 4 to chapter 5, about 30 years have passed, and a new king succeeds the throne of Babylon; King Belshazzar. The Bible says he is the son of Nebuchadnezzar, but the study notes say the word son is the same as "grandson" or "descendent", so it is not really known his status. But the fact is, he was the king. Anyway, he has a drinking party and he decides to desecrate some of the gold goblets that were brought as spoils from the temple in Jerusalem.

Suddenly a hand appears and writes something on the wall. Belshazzar is shocked and terrified and sends for the wise men etc. Eventually Daniel comes to help interpret.

Anyway, it's December! Awfully fast, December 2004 is actually quite fresh in my mind. Remember that last year we had a very scaled down Christmas, nothing fancy, no carolling etc. It's my grandfather's birthday today; I still remember the same event last year. And the next day, 2 December 2004, was the start of One Camp. That camp is still very fresh in my mind, and that was the day we all spent running around Orchard Road doing crazy stuff! Hard to imagine that was a year ago. Time really flies.

When a wicked man dies, his hope perishes; all he expected from his power comes to nothing. - Proverbs 11:7

301105

verses read: Daniel 4:19-37, Proverbs 11:6
prayer: 30 minutes

Daniel goes on to interpret the dream for King Nebuchadnezzar; and says that the tree represents the king. And God will cause the king to lose (basically) his mental faculties. He will wander the land like a wild animal but after 7 years, he will be restored. All that happens; and King Nebuchadnezzar is restored when he acknowledges the King of Heaven over himself.

Yesterday was a very mixed day. When you are faced with temptations it is very difficult to overcome; on one hand you feel very satisfied; but you lay 2 bricks by that very same measure. But on the complete reverse side, managed to get a whole lot of administrative stuff done, including a 16-page document for TOFU; printed out 213 A5 pages of a new songbook and 20 pages of the hardcopy version of this online journal. On top of that, managed to tie down more stuff for AnnTiC.

Today, well, going to Sentosa, gate crashing the Sunday School camp! Actually, going there to take the pictures that I wanted to take last week. It's raining now, but I have faith that God will provide nice hot sunshine later. I think after that I will go down to city music; I might as well just get the XT Live, call it giving into temptation again! But this one burns a hole in your pocket instead, but then again I know I won't be happy till I get it, so just get it!

But the day so far have been very sombre. I know this post is posted at 9.15am, but that doesn't mean I didn't get up at 6am. I did, way earlier in fact. To answer the call of nature; but then again, maybe it wasn't nature. Didn't feel like getting out of bed despite the pain in my stomach, but God said loud and clear, "Go! I got something to tell you." So I went. And while sitting down in the toilet, God said He will give me a dream. I've not dreamt in days. But I went back to bed (at exactly 6am) and I did indeed dreamt of something.

I saw an alternate present; a present which is the result me giving in to temptation two and a half months ago. It was quite scary, even though the circumstance was supposed to be full of joy. I don't know what it means, but I will pray for wisdom to understand it. I pray it is not another message that I've to give to someone else, I don't think I can go through that again. But well, like what king Nebuchadnezzar said:

All the peoples of the earth are regarded as nothing. He does as he pleases with the powers of heaven and the peoples of the earth. No one can hold back his hand or say to him: "What have you done?" - Daniel 4:35

I cannot claim to understand the ways to God. All I know is that His ways are higher than mine. Once again, the following proverb makes full sense even for the situation I'm in now. Quite amazing, since everything I've been reading them almost in order.

The righteousness of the upright delivers them, but the unfaithful are trapped by evil desires. - Proverbs 11:6

291105

verses read: Daniel 4:1-18, Proverbs 11:5
prayer: 20 minutes

King Nebuchadnezzar has another dream. About a tree, a big tree and with its crown and shade many animals have shelter. But in the dream he hears a voice telling him to cut the tree down and leave its stump behind. And the tree will then be a part of the animals. Something like that! At the end of it, he calls Daniel for interpretation.

This part of the book seems to read as though it was written by King Nebuchadnezzar himself. He begins by exalting God. Well, the full story of this will be in second half of the chapter. That will be for tomorrow or the day after.

Today, on the other hand, will be pretty slack. Don’t know what to do yet, just going to see what needs to be done.

The righteousness of the blameless makes a straight way for them, but the wicked are brought down by their own wickedness.- Proverbs 11:5

no words to say

Let the peace of God reign
Father of life draw me closer
Lord my heart is set on You
Let me run the of time
With Your life enfolding mine
And let the peace of God, let it reign

O Holy Spirit, You're my comfort
Strenghten me, hold my head up high
And I stand upon Your truth
Bringing glory unto You
And let the peace of God, let it reign

O lord I hunger for more of You
Rise up within, Let me know Your truth
O Holy Spirit, saturate my soul
And let the life of God
Fill me now, let Your healing power
Breathe life and make me whole
And let the peace of God, let it reign

(C) Words and music by Darlene Zschech

At peace at last, after a time of turmoil; just like the story behind the album this song is taken from. But anyway, feel very much like deja vu again... somehow been down this road before. Yes, it was good then, good to re-live it again.

I wonder what Abraham felt when he placed Isaac on the altar of sacrifice; and what peace and joy he must have felt when God provided the sacrificial lamb. Many years later God Himself would do the same thing, but this time, there was no scapegoat, just the cross of clavary. I think today, I know a little bit more about God's love, His heartbreak when we disobey and the mysteries of His grace. And today, I got to experience a little of what Abraham felt as God provided the alternative.

Spent the day running around buying stuff for AnnTiC! Went to 4 different music shops around the island to finally get what I need! And I'm still missing cables! But nevermind, will bring my monsters up... they are more than enough for the camp. Anyway, stumbled in the City Music Sale.

NOW THAT IS WHAT I CALL A SALE!

I think I'm going to get a POD XT live for Christmas... $545. Then again, why wait! It's considered very reasonble, yeah... retail therapy... giving it another shot! I think it would go very well with my supped-up Ibanez.

Well, in that case, I have a Zoom GFX1 with pedal for sale. Any takers? Click the comment button below.

281105

verses read: Daniel 3:13-30, Proverbs 11:4
prayer: lost count

This is the story of the fiery furnace. Where Daniel’s 3 friends are thrown into the furnace for refusing to bow down to the gold statue that the king made. But God protected them and the were able to escape the furnace unharmed. And after that, even the king acknowledge that because the 3 of them were willing to defy the king so that they do not defy their own God; that they were deserving of praise. And were promoted. Sounds like yesterday to me.

I chose not to defy God; and now, I’m in the furnace. Not burning up, but being purified and justified. It was a road I had rather not taken, but can I say “no” to God? Yes, I guess, but if I had, I don’t want to imagine the consequence. So, where do I stand now? At the same place I was at six months ago I guess. Badly needing a break from this place. Will be going to camp next week, in Malaysia; just need to get away from this place. Then maybe after that, I will just disappear to somewhere for a while, got my thesis to work on.

Wealth is worthless in the day of wrath, but righteousness delivers from death. – Proverbs 11:4

Better than I

I thought I did what’s right
I thought I had the answers
I thought I chose the surest road
But that road brought me here
So I put up a fight and told you how to help me
Now just when I have given up
The truth is coming clear
The price of obedience involves doing something that you don't want to do.
You know better than I
You know the way
I’ve let go the need to know why
For you know better than I
Disobedience is sometimes the more tempting route
If this has been a test
I cannot see the reason
But maybe knowing I don’t know
Is part of getting through
I try to do what’s best
And faith has made it easy
To see the best thing I can do
Is put my trust in you
But now I know, the price of disobedience is even worse than the price of obedience
I saw one cloud and I thought it was the sky
I saw a bird and thought that I could follow
But it was you that taught that bird to fly
If I let you reach me will you teach me
So I chose to obey; and it cost me everything.

271105

verses read: Daniel 3:1-12, Proverbs 11:3
prayer: 30 minutes

My minds is just too blank now to write anything. I slept at 3am last night; and I just don't know what to think now. But God's instruction to me is clear, it all depends on the choices other people make. But what I can do is pray that the right choices are made. And if the bad one made, to soak the next few days in literally constant prayer to protect them. So that's what I'm going to do.

The integrity of the upright guides them, but the unfaithful are destroyed by their duplicity. - Proverbs 11:3

261105

verses read: Daniel 2:24-49, Proverbs 11:2
prayer: 10 minutes

This is the part where Daniel interprets the "Statue" dream. The statue which was made of many materials and metals etc. And he interprets the dream as a series of successive kingdoms coming into power and finally the Lord Himself will establish a Kingdom that will never fall. The study Bible says that the kingdom represented by the half iron, half clay feet is the post-Roman empire, made up of disparate states. But perhaps, we are living in that kingdom, where there really isn't any one real king. But the Day of the Lord will arrive; it's not a matter of if, but when.

I've been feeling different the last few days. Somehow, I felt that my faith was shaken by the whole experience. Laid 2 bricks yesterday. Only adds up to a bigger barrier in the end. Doing the spiritual gifts analysis test; my highest scorer was still faith, but that dropped by one point. Perhaps that's a warning and a message from God that I need to put my trust and hope in Him. Leave the whole matter to His hands, and He will provide something that is good; something that is best for me.

When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom. - Proverbs 11:2

251105

verses read: Daniel 2:14-23, Proverbs 10:29
prayer: 10 minutes

Daniel pleads with the king for some extra time before the king begins the executions of the wise men. And that very night, the king's dream is reveal to Daniel in a vision. Daniel then sings a beautiful song extolling the Lord for the divine revelation.

It's raining today, so I guess I won't go to Sentosa. Will just go to the Integrity warehouse sale and SITEX. It's going to be a short holiday for me. And I've got to resume my honours project; not worked on it since the introductory talk.

I still wonder what the days ahead will bring. But I'm feeling a lot more comforted now. In any matter, I am not the only servant of the Lord. There are always others wiser than me who are in better positions to guide and counsel. That's what I forgot, and I know that is how the Lord will work in the matter. His ways are much higher than mine.

The way of the LORD is a refuge for the righteous, but it is the ruin of those who do evil. - Proverbs 10:29

it's over... for me at least...

My semester has ended. Not on a particularly high note as I thought it would at the beginning of the semester. Instead in a low and painful way. Graph Theory was a killer. To those who know a little, try this:

An Eulerian Digraph D is said to be randomly Eulerian from vertex v, if any trail with v as the initial vertex can be extended to an Eulerian trail. For example, in a directed cycle D, D is said to be randomly Eulerian from any vertex as any trail starting from any vertex can be extended to an Eulerian trail.

i) For n=0,1; find such a digraph D, that is randomly Eulerian from exactly n vertices.
ii) State without proof a necessary and sufficient condition for D to be randomly Eulerian from a vertex v.

That was the unseen question in my paper. (Unseen in the sense that the concept is new; we have to learn it and answer it on the spot.) I think I figured out the answer in the end, but it sure consumed a lot of time!

My exams are over! Thank God! Went to the TRAC closing session after that. Was very refreshing! Tomorrow will be bring new challenges. Like I said previously, going to try a little retail therapy. So, if the price is right, the following are on my wishlist when I visit SITEX tomorrow:

i) Jabra BT110
ii) A bluetooth adaptor for my laptop
iii) 512MB of RAM for my laptop (to bring it to 1GB)
iv) Lifebook P1510 (hehe... just kidding...)

Then after that, it will be off to the Integrity and Alby warehouse sale. I've not seen the latest album offerings in a while, so will go take a peak. And if weather permits, I will go to Sentosa; to get a sunburn. No, to take photographs and print out to use as Christmas Cards. I figured that way, it is a lot more unique and chaper!

241105

verses read: Daniel 2:1-13, Proverbs 10:28
prayer: 10 minutes

King Nebuchadnezzar has a dream but does not know it's meaning. He calls his wise men to interpret it for him, but here is the catch, he does not tell them what the dream is and he still wants them to interpret it for him! Naturally they can't! So the king issues a decree that all wise men be killed; Daniel and his friends are among those sought out to be killed.

Strange... I have been praying for dreams. But well, once again, did not dream last night. But nevermind, let them come at the Lord's timing. Laid another one yesterday; disappoint the Lord each time. But He is still very gracious and merciful; I am just so unworthy of the grace yet He pours it out all the time.

I feel very much at peace this morning; raised all my big cares and worries to the Lord, going to let Him give me His strength and wisdom to overcome rather than use my own. Things will turn out for the better that way. And no matter how God chooses to answer, I know that it will be for His glory.

Today is my last paper! At last! Well, it's been a very emotionally draining semester, much worse than the previous 2, but that is over now. Tonight will go to Trinity Methodist Church for the TRAC closing and ordination service. My cousin is being ordained as a deacon. What that means is that he can wear his clerical collar. Tomorrow, going to give retail therapy another shot.

The prospect of the righteous is joy, but the hopes of the wicked come to nothing. - Proverbs 10:28

a tournament of champions...

One will understand my title only if you know a little graph theory. So that probably leaves only U-liang and Weitian. Anyway, a tournament is kind of graph encountered in Graph Theory, and that was the major focus of my efforts today. The most stupid thing I keep missing out on the proofs was the simple and obvious fact every 2 vertices have exactly one arc joining them. How dumb can that be?

Other than that, tomorrow will mark the last time in my undergraduate days that I will be sitting for a math exam. Honestly, I feel a little sad. But hey, I do have plans to progress onwards to masters and above eventually. But I'm very certain that is not what God is calling to me to do upon graduation.

Well, today was a good day. I woke up in the morning feeling kind of blue, stumbled out of bed, at 6am to write the below post. Then at 8am, I went back to sleep. For 5 hours! Yeah, woke up at 1pm, feeling very refreshed. Actually managed to get a good amount of studying done before leaving for the gym. But well, tomorrow will be the last ditch chance to revise whatever I've missed. But it's open book, so there is really nothing I can do! Here is the scene of the tournament:



Today, I felt the feeling of misery lift as well (after that sleep that is). What Joshua told me is right; I knew it was in theory, but could not see it in practice. He told me that he sensed a lot of excitement in my life for the next few months. He shared with me a lot of things that I'm afraid I cannot put up on this blog, but will treasure a lot. But yeah, now I'm beginning to see the excitement.

God is in control. But if we try to wrestle control back from Him, there will be turmoil. That was what happened the last few days. But now, I'm choosing to open my iron grip and let it loose. And yah, I'm beginning to feel excited about what is in store. AnnTic, TOFU, my thesis and most of all, the worship symposium. That one is a big break for me; and I am not going to let it pass me by now.

I feel happy now; I finally feel a sense of peace. God said He will take care of the future for me. He will grant to those who need wisdom the wisdom they need, He will grant to those who need strength the strength they need; but only in His time. I know what He has planned, going to claim it as a promise. Started dreaming again; that's an answred prayer. Like I told a young brother once, write down those dreams that you had! I'm going to write them down too; as they come.

231105

verses read: Daniel 1:8-21, Proverbs 10:27
prayer: 5 minutes

This is where Daniel tells his overseers to give him vegetables instead of choice foods. Reason is he doesn't want to defile himself with foods that were sacrificed to idols. But, neither does he want to anger the king. So he offers an alternative suggestion; and today this is what we call the Daniel fast. The passage ends with Daniel and his 3 other friends being chosen to be advisors to the king; and they were so till the reign of King Cyrus. You cannot tell by reading the Bible how long that actually was and I think many would think Daniel was a young man when he was thrown into the lions den and all, and really cannot imagine him as an old man. But the truth is that King Cyrus' reign took place almost 70 years after Nebuchadnezzar! Daniel lived to see the return of the exiles to Jerusalem, but he himself never saw his homeland again; at least that is what is known from tradition.

I really wonder what today has in store for me. Once again, my heart is feeling troubled. Laid yet another brick yesterday; not good. God sure has a way of telling you that His plan is supreme, you cannot try take another way out without first going through Him. It is a journey of deep self-discovery; and I realise that my plans are not that different from God's. But, its in the journey to the end goal that is different. I have to address the root of the problem; been only scratching the surface. That is what needs to change before God will reveal His will.

The fear of the LORD adds length to life, but the years of the wicked are cut short. - Proverbs 10:27

merry christmas with love

Well, it's the season of advent. So I guess some Christmas music would be nice. This song is "Merry Christmas with love". A very old song, this version was performed my clay aiken. Anyway, the lyrics are in my December 2004 archive. If you are irritated by the song, press the stop button. It will stop. Anyway, it will just play once.

Christmas lightup!

check this out... some people have too much free time!

http://brahm2.com/images/lights.wmv

According the site I found this, they said the guy who did this took individual pictures of the house then recompiled the whole thing and added a sound track. Pretty smart. But still an indication of having too much time on his hands!

221105

verses read: Daniel 1:1-7, Proverbs 10:25
prayer: 10 minutes

Began to read another book; the book of Daniel. The book of Daniel is most similar to the book of Revelations; it contains a narrative which lasts for 6 chapters and then the apocalyptic prophecies begin. So, the book is really important and it's more than just the fiery furnace or the lion's den.

In this first passage, Judah falls to the Babylonians. (In modern day context, Judah is Israel and Babylon is Iraq... so as you can see, nothing much has really changed.) And King Nebuchadnezzar orders men of royal blood or nobility to be carried off to his kingdom to serve him. These are the first exiles. Among them is Daniel and his 3 friends Hananiah, Mishael and Azariah. The passage ends with them being given new names. Very sad names actually; their new names are phrases which actually sing praises to foreign gods.

Yesterday was a day of mixed feelings. Temptation comes at any time, and many times, you give in. Laid not one but two bricks yesterday; and that barrier is starting to rise up. Well, will not worry about tomorrow, for today has enough trouble on it's own. And after all, God is in control, who am I to interfere with His plans and ideas? Have to stop trying to do things on my own power and rely on Him for guidance and control. Especially when temptations come. Today, I'm going to school to continue with my graph theory revision; the environment there much better suited for serious mugging.

When the storm has swept by, the wicked are gone, but the righteous stand firm forever. - Proverbs 10:25

Strange how for each of the past few days, the proverbs that I post speaks of a mistake which I made the day before. It is as though I should have read them a day in advance. But I guess, with each mistake; God uses these proverbs to teach me a lesson; something for me to learn. The amazing thing is that these proverbs are actually posted in order! This one is really not my hand, but God's.

MA4235: Graph Theory I

This is my last paper for the semester. That's right, I only took 4 modules! Of which, one was non-examinable. So only 3 papers this exam season; of which, 2 have already passed. The last paper is on Thursday night, so that gives almost 3 more days to study for just one paper. Shouldn't be too difficult, or so I thought!

Today, I tried to do some of the tutorial questions, and man... they were killer! Going to take a different approach tomorrow and do the pass year papers! Much easier, and more morale boosting!

Anyway, this module is a sub-branch of combinatorics and discrete math. Combinatorics is what is known to most of you as "permutations and combinations". Well, that's at lower level. But graph theory is more than just that, graph theory is a branch of math that has very powerful and immediate applications in real life. Some simple applications include timetable scheduling and transportation-route problems. The more complicated ones involve the best route a postman should travel to how computer networks work.

And of course, some of you were stumped by the following problem at last year's leadership retreat:

Mr and Mrs Tan attended a party at which there were 2 other couples. Various handshakes took place. No one shook hands with his or her spouse, no one shook hands with the same person more than once, and of course no one shook his or her own hand. After all the hanshaking was done, Mr Tan asked each person, including his wife, how many hands he or she had shaken. To his suprise, each gave a different answer. How many hands did Mrs Tan shake?

Well, those of you who know the answer, don't tell! Let those who don't know use their brains a little! Especially, this is the holiday season, not good to let the brain waste away! I was actually quite suprised at last year's leadership retreat, Faith (Tan) was able to give me the correct answer, and she actually used graph theory to solve it!

I enjoyed graph theory, or MA3233 rather. Had perhaps the best math lecturer in NUS for that module! MA4235 on the other hand... was too discrete for me! The proofs are okay. I understand them. But that kind of proofing involves skills that are very much different from analysis! And that is the main problem for me!

Anyway, Graph Theory is fun. And I am glad that they are introducing it at JC level. As a H3 subject. (H3 replaces what we once called S-papers.) It will be good for everyone to learn graph theory in fact; even in E-math!

And they should remove relative velocity from A-math and replace it with APGP again! Relative velocity is just too tough for secondary school and it's a physics topic not a math one! On the other hand, APGP is so important that it's taught at primary 3 level in China! It's so essential to calculus. I feel that teaching calculus without APGP is like teaching someone how to count to 100 when he doesn't even know what numbers are!

One good (or perhaps bad) thing is that this module is full open book. So no helpsheets! (Thank God!) But that means the problems can be a lot more difficult and unseen in nature!

211105

verses read: Acts 27:13 - 28:30, Proverbs 10:24
prayer: 30 minutes

Finished the book of Acts. My readings have been getting longer and longer each day. Realise that once you settle in to some routine, you really find it easier to do. Will begin the book of Daniel tomorrow. It's one thing to read a narrative like Acts, and another to read an part narrative, part apocalyptic book like Daniel. Going to be a challenge actually. My aim is to at least finish chapters one to six by AnnTic.

Anyway, this final part of Acts is highly detailed. Reading it very slowly and reading the study notes at the same time does give a much greater insight to what goes on. And it's really amazing; the amount of detail put into the book. Paul is on a ship to Rome, what happens is that they are caught in a storm; and are shipwrecked. The manage to reach the island of Malta, and stay there during the winter (3 months) a before continuing on to Rome. When they finally reach Rome, Paul continues to preach even though he is under house arrest. And the final few verses, he quotes the prophet Isaiah and reasons that salvation is even for the gentiles. And he continues to preach for 2 years. The book of Acts ends abruptly at this point.

The central person in the book of Acts is the Holy Spirit. How the Holy Spirit guided the early Christians to spread the message of the Gospel. And how the Gospel was spread from the Jews, and to the gentiles. And even now, the Holy Spirit's work is still not done. The Gospel has yet to really reach the ends of the earth right now. And 2000 years on, we have inherited the duty (so to speak) of the apostles.

Ties in quite nicely to Charlie's message yesterday. Dreams, visions and prophecy; these will be common in the last days. And their purpose will be to proclaim the Good News to the world.

Yet Charlie touched on another aspect of dreams and visions, and how they relate to a person personally. There was a period last year, when I took 6 math modules, when I dreamt of math every night, and on some occasions, through my dreams I would actually see the solution to a problem I had been stuck with. And when I woke up, I would actually just complete the question. This actually happened a few times. Someone told me this was perhaps God's divine revelation to me, in time of need, when humanly, completing 6 math tutorials a week was an almost insurmountable task, somehow, I was able to do it.

Then I remember another dream. Not mine, but that of a friend. And it brings me hope; hope in what is to come. There are more tears to be shed, but happy ones not sad ones. Realised I've not dreamed in a while, asked God for a dream last night, but still didn't dream. (Or rather did not dream that significant a dream that I can remember it in the morning!) But God still provides; and He gave me more assurance to what I prayed before I slept last night in the form of this verse:

What the wicked dreads will overtake him; what the righteous desire will be granted. - Proverbs 10:24

Quite amazing actually!