WHY.

Why? Why is God's timing always so perfect; yet it can be so cruel. Why is God's love so plentiful; yet it can hurt so bad at times. Why? Why.

I guess we are sometimes meant to suffer heartbreaks when we disobey God. Even when He promises us something beautiful and someting good; we are disobedient. And when we are, God has to discipline us, just like any good father would. And sometimes, we have to suffer pain in order to realise the severity of our disobedience and learn the lesson properly.

My heart still aches everyday, and I guess after what has happened, it's only right that the Lord allow my pain to be prolonged. So that I may fully understand why. Why all this had to happen. When I see others getting on with their life, I don't know what to feel. On one hand, I feel happy, on the other angry and cheated. But I guess, I have to experience all this so that I may know that this is exactly how the Lord feels every time we forget our First Love and fall in love with other things of this world.

I wish I had the chance to turn back time; but I know I cannot. I only wish for a second chance. But that is not up for me to give. I can continue to wish for things, but I know that they will never happen. So I can only stop dreaming, and pull my shattered heart out of the dreamworld that I'm stuck in and come back to reality.

So once again, for the second time this year, I have to kneel beside a big hole in the ground and stop dreaming. Have to kneel at this hole, to conduct a funeral; a funeral of dreams. And once again, I hear the words of Jesus, "Truly, truly I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit."

And once again, I have to follow that example set by a young couple; going to have to bury my love in a container somewhere under the ground. Whereas I once knelt by such a hole alone; today I kneel beside the hole with my Saviour. Whereas I once tried to struggle alone to find the answers, today I know Jesus holds my hand and is leading me there.

This time, the dream I have to bury wasn't mine alone, but it was God's as well. But because of my disobedience, He has to discipline me and take that dream away. I now know that the Father's heart aches just as painfully as mine. And just like how a garderner has to sometimes prune his garden and cut away the most beautiful flowers, the Lord above is pruning my life. By taking what is beautiful so as to allow something even more beautiful to grow in it's place.

I don't have the strength to cover the hole myself; but I know the Lord is beside me to help me this time. And when He is done, I will let Him hide its location away from me. Perhaps the container will remain hidden forever. But maybe, just maybe, the Lord will restore that dream and show me the location of it's tomb and the blood of Jesus will raise the dead to life.

Light of His blessings and waters of His will
Decides to transform us into a beautiful tale

And so, 7 months after I last read that poem, I read it again today. Though not directed at me, I now see what that beautiful tale is. And I know with full confidence, that God is going to give me one as well.

The door is still wide open; but I cannot enter it for now.
Why. That is not a question, but that is the answer.

Wait for me
Darling, did you know that I
I dream about you
Waiting for the look in your eyes
When we meet for the first time
And darling, did you know that I
I pray about you
Praying that you will hold on
And keep your loving eyes only for me

'Cause I am waiting for, praying for you darling
Wait for me too
Wait for me as I wait for you
'Cause I am waiting for, praying for you darling
Wait for me too
Wait for me as I wait for you
Darling wait

Darling did you know
I dream about life together
Knowing it will be forever
I'll be yours and you'll be mine
And darling when I say
"Till death do us part"
I mean it with all of my heart
Now and always faithful to you

Now I know you may have made mistakes
But there's forgiveness, and a second chance
So wait for me, darling wait for me
Wait for me
Darling wait for me

(C) Words by Rebecca St James

PS: the post is post-dated so it will stay on top for a while. The usual journal entries would still be updated below. Actual date of posting: Wednesday, 9 November 2005, 2330H.